Monsters in the dark.

running off into the darkness...

I have always wanted to die. I know that sounds pretty gloomy…but its a truth I cannot deny. Since I was young, I have felt that life is -simply- overrated. Growing older, I have held a deep fascination with the darkness of the human spirit ; the macabre. When I worked as an RN, I took a position in an insane asylum so I could work with sociopaths and such. The darkness & horror of humanity. I saw a man brought into the psychiatric ward of a local hospital.  I worked as a Charge Nurse on a lock down unit for the violent, mentally ill. The police brought him in 5150- which was a 72 hour hold against his will -and he was manacled into leather restraints…for good reason. He was frothing his insanity & was clearly in a psychotic break with reality. The man thought that the spirits of Cherokee Indian chiefs were inside his head, hissing at him to ‘skin’ people on the streets.  A few days of anti-psychotic medications returned him to a somewhat normal state & I had several chances to speak with him at length.

He was quite disheveled & had very poor eye contact. He was a good looking man, but his odd manner was off-putting…you wouldn’t turn your back on this guy, as his violence simmered really close to the surface. His eyes lacked compassion. They seemed older than the rest of him as if they were pregnant with ill-done deeds. Yet, his features were distinct. He stood out. In  the ‘normal’ world, I could see this guy being with any woman he wanted. He had that appearance. Tall, dark & brooding. However, when you looked at him & caught his eye, you found yourself wishing you hadn’t. He seemed like a hollow man; a vacuum. One of the female doctors told me that, ” he was-both-repellent & magnetic.” He seemed like a strange new form of heroin, she needed to be around, yet -innately-she also knew,  he was the personification of cruelty.

He spoke to me in a flat, monotone voice for over an hour. He was forthcoming about his younger years & family history but showed  very little insight. He seemed impulsive; violent. He told me of a nightmare he often had. It repeated frequently over the years & was usually followed by heavy drug use which eventually precipitated his psychosis. This psychotic break would always  bring him into the facility. He told me that he had the same nightmare -sometimes -twice a week. He grew accustomed to it after a time, but the very horror of it occurring in his young mind, actually convinced him of how odd he truly was. He shuffled his feet and his fingers drummed nervously on his thigh as he told me of it.

“I worked in an abattoir…a slaughterhouse.” he said softly. Pungent, sweaty, wet; his clothing sticking to his body…he said that “I would see the other workers cutting & carving the animals like they were on autopilot.”  He told me that their eyes were dull & lifeless…like wet jewels; glimmering & vacant. He was 16 years old or so. The animals never made a sound as he went about his work. He pushed a cows head over a trough & it began to eat the grain that was in there. He then pulled a sharp steel blade across the cows neck. He spoke very quietly as he peered up at me from under a tangle of hair. His face had a light sheen of sweat & I felt uncomfortable with where he might take the conversation.

He told me that when he cut the cows neck, he felt his pants get warm & for a moment, he thought he had been splashed with gore. Embarrassingly then, he noticed his ‘private parts’ bulging & throbbing ; it seemed he had ejaculated in his pants!  This was his nightmare…his pathos. His red flag. The first of many…I would think. Eventually, the staff found out that he had these thoughts regularly & they were not limited to his sleep. It seemed that sex & blood were somehow combined for him. He thought of one & -immediately-the slippery slope sent him directly to the other. Prognosis = Grim. After several days of evaluation & looking into his mental history,  I knew that his particular mental problems were firmly-entrenched  & would be with him for life. He had -obvious-sexual issues & dangerous fetishes (called paraphilias).

I ended the interviews  & wrote my report which I forwarded to the Psychiatrist on the unit. I recommended further evaluation & also stated that I thought it best, he be secured away in a mental facility.He needed monitored very closely, due to the dangerous nature & direction of his thoughts. In the interest of public safety, I didn’t want this man running around creating a ‘dogs dinner’ or a ‘bone house’ out of someone. Fascination. Bloodshed. Impulsiveness. The black, grimy underbelly of life.  I don’t know why I tell you these things. I’m not sure anyone wants to read or listen. So, I carry these horrific images & thoughts around in my head …in wonder.  I figured that I could share them with you. So, you see? You never have to worry. Don’t be scared of the dark.  I will go before you. I am -forever- fascinated with Jeffrey Dahmers’ bounty. I am always ready to discover  what makes the Gacys’ & Bundys’ of the world act the way they do. You can count on this one salient fact. I will always be running ahead of you….into the dark!  One more thing. Just remember – ” When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” -Friedrich Nietzche .   Thanks to Brian Walnum for the image. Skate Strong – Ozzie

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8 thoughts on “Monsters in the dark.

  1. Funny that I read through your blogs for skate stories, but this is the one that most interested me. Sorry for the late reply, but this patient seems to have the “cult of personality” mentioned of every diabolical tyrant in history: those who can be psycopathic madmen, yet totally captivating.
    So what is more fascinating, the mind of such people or the mind of the masses that follow them and hang on their every word?
    Is it an evolutionary need? To follow such people in order to progress and dominate all other life, or a population control to seek extermination of our own kind in order to survive?
    Great stuff Ozzie.

  2. Brother, thank you for sharing your dark nightmares and just vent with us, you know that blowing steam helps us all.
    the human mind is amazing with all its alleys dark and bright.
    Mario V
    PS. you weren’t talking about me, right?

  3. do you have much knowledge on the causes of such mental illness? can this be somewhat genetic or strictly from childhood environments? i, like a lot of people, have been intrigued by this same thing but can’t imagine ever being up close and personal with it.

    • This guy had auditory hallucinations & a diagnosis of schizophrenia as well. He was -sadly- a mess. Sometimes abuse & head injury can be causitive factors. Mostly, these are hereditary mental disorders…the sexual problems are something different. Somehow, when at that particular age (when guys & girls notice each other differently), some of these guys get a mixed signal or something…a glitch. They end up combing sex/violence as one….its a bad thing. These fetishes & violent fantasies continue to escalate for years until they act them out for real. Once a sexual predator….there is no going back. The rate of recidivism is 100%. They don’t get better.-Ozzie

      • makes me wonder what the glitch (mixed signal) is. i guess it’s not easy to pinpoint, otherwise some of this might be prevented? or it could be a preventative tool for the future. who knows…. thanks for answering my question!!

  4. I was told once that embracing the darkness is the way in which we become whole…it’s the act that solidifies us to accept our humanity…it’s also the way in which we surpass it. Sometimes, the darkness holds our greatest gifts, our deepest wisdom.

    And other times, it just reminds me of how little or how much of a coward I can be. (Depending on whether I run from it or enter it.)

  5. jay adams,dennis martinez,neil blender etc all have their dark sides.gator kills his girl friend and stuffs her into a surfboard bag. everyone has their dark side.

  6. There’s nothing wrong with being fascinated by the darkness of the human spirit. It is, in fact, fascinating, especially given the fact that most people don’t have the depth of darkness that the people you mention do. We’re not all angels. We’re not all devils. People want to believe there’s an either/or to everything. I believe there isn’t. There’s more gray than anything else. Then there are degrees within that gray area.

    But good on ya for going before the rest of us; I’m certainly not trying to take that journey, but I appreciate those who do.

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