venting my spleen.

Sometimes, I want to fill my bathtub with blood. I want to call Gillette on the phone, and order a brand new shiny, glittering razor blade; extra sharp! I want to gash my own wrists …..staining the walls like some gruesome medieval painting. Obviously, I awoke this morning, feeling lethal; like I was made of old leather, steel cables and some strange new metal. My colossal engine of self-destruction was hammering; throbbing, in my temples. I was thinking about love & relationships…believe it or not! I looked outside & the streetlights felt cold & distant. They gave light but little else. The shadows between them, made it feel that much more sinster. Dark clouds shoved their way past the grey hills to the east. The sky flew by on wings of its own.

I felt almost vacant this morning. Abandoned, like a rusty old tavern sign. A Porcupine Tree CD  plays softly in the background.   He sings, “I’m finding it hard, to hang on a star…” Love. I scoffed under my breath. Like the great French poet- Arthur Rimbaud wrote…”Love needs to be reinvented.” I have seen little in life, that makes me think , such a thing as love exists. We are all here on this earth searching for it, I know. But, I don’t think it truly exists. Its like finding an ‘innocent’ Nazi, or someone who honestly believes OJ Simpson didn’t kill that poor woman. They don’t exist in the real world, people! But, back to the existence of ‘love’.

I understand that there are naysayers & the religious out there, that will argue this point-ad nauseum. With the exception of parents & their children…Love really seldom exists. There is simply, use & misuse. Little else.  The love I see around me is conditional. “You do this for me, I reciprocate.” Relationships end up with two people pointing weapons at each other…monetary or sexual. Remember, I’m not judging. I’m just saying! I knew a girl during this past year. She claimed ‘love’, and the deeper mysteries of life, moving within her. When she didn’t get her way, she went out & indulged in that ever-ready panacea for all problems; alcohol. She hooked up with some scum bag & I kicked her to the curb—eventually. In hindsight, it seems I did her a favor. The curb was a step ‘Up’ for her.

There are those of you out there, who think this might be overly harsh. Fine. Think what you will. However, when I worked in Hospice & dealt with dying people all the time, I noticed a few things. The main thing I noticed was this. The MOST important things in life–often– go unsaid. People never get called to account for their bad behaviors. They blast through life, selfishly hurting others & never hear about it. I know! I have done it myself. Someone finally illuminated my world, with cold, naked truth & I saw myself for the loathsome, selfish creature that I am. But, I try to change myself everyday.

I am a work in progress, I suppose. You may have found ‘love’ in your life & I will gladly relay my happiness at your good fortune. I just don’t think its real. Krishnamurti & Gandhi said that “Love doesn’t  obey”. Hmmm ….Does that mean that, love just ‘is’?  Maybe not. I think I will keep doubting. I am confined to a self-imposed isolation cell. At least, until the next ‘cupcake’ comes around….HeHeHe . Go skate & love (if you can), until your heart overflows.  Just buy some booze & Kleenex. You’ll need both. -Ozzie


14 thoughts on “venting my spleen.

  1. Thanks for the comments , both amusing & serious. I’m fine…just introspective & vexed at times. Writing it out ,is cathartic for me…and Yes! I will go skate!-Ozzie

  2. its there,…. you have it for your skateboard and your skateboard loves you back unconditionally … and pools, you love pools and they love you back and I love you for all the hard work you put in to empty them,and keeping them empty !
    charge hard and stay strong … go skate !

  3. Love is baffling Ozzie…you aren’t alone. I am married to man that would give his life for me. I can’t say with certainty that I would do the same. Does that mean he loves me more than I love him? Or is that just what a man is supposed to do…protect his woman? Is it instinctual and one sided by nature’s design? I CAN say with certainty that I would give my life for my children…would they do the same for me? Probably not, not now anyway, nor would I want them to. Again, one sided by nature’s design? Does this mean I love my kids more than my husband? I don’t know. This is the thought that often makes me feel undeserving of his level of love for me.

  4. your not here just to love one person ozzie…her loss…if you call it love!!and in reality your here to love a alot of them women…only for them to break and crush your heart again & again…so just get the fuck over it…and go bang some new pussy!!! theirs so much pussy out their it’s incredible!!! so just go fuck one!!! fuck that…ozzie…let’s go bang every chick…that wants a really good fuck…and give them that great time and if they’re worthy…maybe keep her for a awhile…i’d just say next!!! and send her on her way!!! fuck her…and forget her!!! and if she’s really into you…she’ll never turn into a sk8er hater…and she’ll be by your side through thick & thin…and in the slime & grime draining right next to ya and loving every minute of it…now thatza a keeper!!! until then just fuck fuck!!! and drain drain and yes…you really need too sk8 sk8 sk8 sk8!!!!!

  5. Hmmmm. Well, I think you’re right in many ways. However, I think love does exist, but it’s not the love we’ve all been taught or the love they try to portray on the big and little screens. It’s something that’s ever-changing within a relationship. The idea of a “thin line between love and hate” is probably the best representation of what I consider love (at least in relationship between a man and a woman).

    I do believe humans, in general, show one another, even strangers, love. It’s hard though because being a loving person makes you vulnerable. So, as a result, most people don’t open themselves to be loving. And that’s understandable. Humans are cruel. And unless you steel yourself against the pain inflicted by others, you will perish. Therefore, most of us love only when necessary. I think about this stuff a lot too, especially as a married person who (believe it or not) doesn’t believe in marriage.

    You’re right about kids though. The love most parents have for their children is beyond words. No words can ever describe how I feel about my son.

  6. i think this is an awesome flow of emotion to go through even if it is what some might call “negative”.

    because it will take someone really spectacular to make you go “wow”. and only then will you know it exists.

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